Xemnas has a secret
by CheshireCatwoman
Summary: Uh oh, another Monty Python crossover! Rated for language and um...well, if I told you it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Crackfic, massive OOC, Oneshot. Not yaoi.


This story goes out to I.M.R. Duelist, who helped inspire this crackfic.

I don't own a lot of stuff here. That includes KH, Monty Python, See Spot Run, Deviantart, and The Iliad.

As always, the stuff in bold is stuff I've taken directly from Monty Python.

* * *

In a typical meeting on a typical day in The Castle that Never Was, Xemnas was giving one of his trademark speeches. You know, the kind that turns nobodies like Larxene into cruel sadists.

"Once Kingdom Hearts is finished, we can be whole again! Just think of it, we will be free!"

He was met with blank, bored looks from the rest of his Organization. His (pardon the expression) "beloved" Organization that he had worked so hard on to build into a team in order regain their hearts. And they wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. They were easier to read than "See Spot Run".

Xemnas sighed.

"Fellow members of Organization XIII, do you really _want_ to be nobodies?"

They looked at him with newfound curiosity. _Was this monotonous monologue finally taking a new direction?_

"I don't know about you, but I never wanted to do this. I never wanted to be a nobody in the first place, let alone Superior to a bunch of ingrates. I never wanted to drone on and on about the Keyblade Master and Kingdom Hearts in what some of you think is a vain attempt at getting our hearts back.

"I wanted to be," he said as he unzipped his Organization Robe, revealing a flannel shirt with overalls,

**"A LUMBERJACK!"**

This was met with shocked looks from the rest of the Organization that clearly said, "WTF?!" That is, everyone except Marluxia, who instead gave him a glare that could devour a devout demagogue with a dozen deranged dragon daggers. Try saying that five times fast, go on, I dare ya...

**"Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Giant Redwood! The Larch! The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty, flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria! The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!**

**"With my best buddy by my side," **he said, pulling Saix up next to him as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder, **"We'd sing, sing, sing!" **Saix recoiled slightly, unsure as to what this strange outburst was about, but he made no effort to stop his superior. Then Xemnas started singing.

**"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day!"**

**"He's a lumberjack and he's okay****,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day!" **Demyx chimed in as if random outbursts of song were perfectly normal. This earned him shocked glances from his fellow Organization members, but he didn't care.

**"I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory!  
On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea!"** _Cut down trees, you say? _Wondered Marluxia as he summoned his scythe under the table.

**"He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory!  
On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea!" **Xigbar, Axel and Roxas loudly joined.

**"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day!"**

**"He's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day!" **Joined Luxord, Larxene and Xaldin.

**"I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers,  
I put on womens' clothing, and hang around in bars!"**

**"He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers,  
He puts on women's clothing...? And hangs around in bars?!" **The Organization mumbled as they gave each other curious looks. Unfortunately for Vexen, Zexion, and Lexaeus, this happened to be the verse they joined in on.

Saix snapped his head around to stare in shock at Xemnas, then backed away slowly.

After that little awkward silence, Xemnas broke the tension by throwing himself right back into the chorus.

**"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day!"**

The rest of the Organization was grateful for any release from that particular moment, so they joined right back in.

**"He's a lumberjack and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day!"**

**"I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!  
I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear Papa!"** He finished, smiling broadly as though he had no idea what he just got himself into. Which he didn't.

**"He cuts down trees, he wears high heels...?"**

"Wait, what?"

**"Suspenders, and a bra?!"**

"Oh, come on, seriously, what the crap..." they questioned among themselves before heading for the door.

Marluxia sized up the situation and waited for his moment.

Unfortunately for them, Xemnas refused to let them leave with those mental images to inspire Namine to post on DeviantArt.

**"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day!" **He tried to save himself but it was far too late.

"TRY AND PRESS THIS WILDFLOWER, BITCH!!11!!ELEVEN!!11!!"

Marluxia swung his scythe with angelic grace and ended the Superior in the most epic battle since Achillies defeated Hector. Much to Marluxia's dismay, Xemnas faded into darkness, so tying his body to a chariot and dragging it around the castle for nine days wasn't an option. Marluxia took over Organization XIII, used the Keyblade Master to complete Kingdom Hearts, and ensured that all eleven of his followers recieved their hearts.

And they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

Woah...I have no idea where that ending came from.

Seriously though, I do like Xemnas, it's just that I like Marly better. XD I kinda feel bad for him, I'll make it up to him someday...maybe...

One more thing...Happy XemSai day! But you'll never get smut from me (cackles mischeviously)


End file.
